I seem to have neglected this blog of late. Oops.
I have been busy writing, though. Just doing a final edit of my first book (fiction) before I try sending it to scary people like agents and publishers. I know new authors have little chance, but thought I'd give it a go anyway. There's always Kindle publishing...
So that's been taking my time. But it's been making me think, a little. Working so hard on something like that has given me a lovely sense of fulfilment and purpose. What I have to be careful of is that it doesn't justify my existence. It would be nice, in a way, to slip into this way of thinking: I am doing something Worthwhile (and a tad ironic, given the book subject, but I'll leave you to discover that at some point) :) - That I am perhaps useful, after all? Come on, me! I'd worked so hard to always speak narrative of value rather than use, and now here I am, buying once again into the narrative of use rather than value. What a shame. I won't let it suck me in...
I've seen a lot of that type of rhetoric, lately. On the news, on blogs, message boards, all over the place. The type of thinking that goes 'I work hard, therefore I am justified, I am real, I am useful. You do not therefore you are not.' Of course, these words are rarely used in such a stark way, but the meaning is there. It doesn't take much digging to recognise this. Sadly, it seems to me that there has been a build up of this kind of thinking. It's actively encouraged to set yourself above the 'scroungers' if you are 'hard working.' Divide and conquer, and all that. I can see that it is so easy to fall into this - if you feel you work hard, and it seems your neighbour doesn't, then you begin to feel slightly superior, slightly better. Sadly, people don't always see the reality of other people's lives, the pain they are in, the past they have come from. I wish we could all show grace in all our actions, and remember we are all valued, all equal, all utterly loved by God. No one is better than anyone else, no one more justified in their existence.
So my 'working hard' doesn't justify me, however much the temptation is to make this so, the temptation to say 'hey, now I am a Writer. I'm not just a sick person.' No. I'm not going down that road. I can identify writing among my stuff that I 'do' but not make it the Thing that is me, just as I don't make the sickness the thing that is me. I never want to make the substance of me into a thing that I do, that's what I am trying to avoid. I want to make the substance of me about my value to God, the fact that I am loved so completely. That's all it needs to be, and how incredible that is.
I'm a member of a group called Compassionate Britain which is seeking to redress some of this balance, particularly regarding sick and disabled people and some of the prejudice they face - and the cuts which are making some lives incredibly difficult. I hope we can be a small part of a movement which changes things and changes preset ideas and views formed by a certain section of the media.
If this post doesn't make sense, I'm sorry, I am shattered from arriving home at 3am this morning after seeing Hillsong at the 02 last night. What an amazing time. 20,000 people worshipping together, one in purpose and spirit, it was a beautiful thing, a glimpse of heaven. I could have stayed all night - roll on New Wine on saturday.