Abiding Love

So, it's Valentine's Day. So I thought I would write a nice Smuggety McSmug post about how lovely it all is and how wonderful and marvellous Adventure Bloke is.

Except I didn't really.

Now, Adventure Bloke is indeed most wonderful and marvellous, but that is not the content of this post, I'm afraid. I wanted to express something of what love is. The love that underpins all loves. Abiding Love.

Now I'm loving the word 'abiding' at the moment. It's not a word used very often in day to day speak. The only time I can think of hearing it is in the hymn 'Abide With Me' <remember the hauntingly beautiful version of this at the Olympic opening ceremony?>  It's a word that goes deep, that says so much about God's nature.

The dictionary definition is:

Adjective: [of a feeling or a memory] Lasting a long time, enduring
Synonyms: permanent - lasting - constant - enduring - stable

Now, quite a few friends around are struggling in their relationships. Marriages are breaking down, vows are broken, people emotionally abused, discarded. Or simply finding that love has gone. Human love seems to be fleeting at times, transitory, difficult to pin down. People search for love and come up empty. Can the best of human love satisfy the deep need in every soul to be loved, completely and utterly, to be loved abidingly?

God's love is abiding. Abiding is faithful. Abiding is permanent. Abiding is forever. Abiding, also, brings to mind the image of living in a place - of being somewhere, of staying put, of waiting, almost. There is a sense in which God's abiding love is a love that lives with us, stays with us, and waits with us. Never giving up when we are unfaithful to God, not forgetting us when we forget God. We could do all we could do to damage our relationship to God and yet abiding love is still there.

When I see human love doing as it should do and being as it should be - loving unconditionally, valuing the loved one, giving, acts of random kindness, patience, generosity etc, I think of God. I think that such love is possible because of God's image in each of us. When I see it go wrong I mourn at God's image being marred again. When I get it wrong I mourn at God's image being marred in me. And yet there it is - the beauty of it. When I get it wrong, there is still Abiding Love. 'Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me'...

I'd like to think of St Valentine's Day as a day where we can all be reminded of that greatest love <yes, I did resist the temptation to break into song there> and know that whatever our circumstance, however bruised, battered, broken or tired we are, even if we are bumbling along quite happily, we can know the abiding love of Christ, the love with longevity that will never give up.

I'll end this with lyrics by Tenth Avenue North

By Your Side
Why are you striving these days/Why are you trying to earn grace/Why are you crying/Let me lift up your face/Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love/Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough/To where will you go child/Tell me where will you run/To where will you run

And I'll be by your side/Wherever you fall/In the dead of night/Whenever you call/And please don't fight/These hands that are holding you/My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side/They swallowed the grave on that night/When I drank the world's sin/So I could carry you in/And give you life/I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you/I want you to know/That I, I love you/I'll never let you go

This post is dedicated to K, J, S, C and J

 

Leaning

So, here it is. I have prevaricated and procrastinated for long enough. It's time to tell about that experience. You know, the big one, the one where I wondered if I'd see 2012 through.

What a fellowship, What a joy divine
Leaning on the everlasting arms
What a blessedness, what a peace that's mine
Leaning on the everlasting arms

This is me in the 2nd week of December, or thereabouts.

I suddenly went down with pneumonia in both lungs and went straight into hospital. I was there around 2.5 weeks. I don't have an awful lot of memory of the first week, it's a tad blurry. I remember being really, really scared. I was on constant 02 and still couldn't suck enough air in. I felt like I was drowning.

Lord I'm leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms

I only remember calling out to God once. 'Why?' The answer was in the silence and the struggle for every breath. In the recollection of Jesus' own agony. In the ministrations of the staff, in the love of my family and friends. No awesome glimpses of heaven or visions of angels. But a God who was next to me, in it with me, who knew.

What have I to dread
What have I to fear
Leaning on the everlasting arms
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near
Leaning on the everlasting arms

This was the worst exacerbation of my disease in at least 12 years. I cannot remember before such a desperate fight. I would wake up and be unable to move. The pain came with the lack of breath. I'm still recovering from that bit.

Lord I'm leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms

I'm aware that this is sounding somewhat melodramatic. But it's cathartic to get down how it was, exactly, and come to terms with that. I was too busy battling to reflect an awful lot, and then too busy recovering. I think I wrote on Facebook after the first week 'I feel like a piece of driftwood washed up to the shore.' I felt exactly that - like I'd been bashed around on the rocks for a week or so, and now it was time to rest. I'm still there, really. I've left the house a few times now, but normal life is still on the housebound side.

Oh how sweet to walk in the pilgrim way
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Oh how bright the path grows from day to day
Leaning on the everlasting arms

It puts a lot of stuff into perspective, something like that. Obvious stuff like the importance of good relationships, like being so very grateful for the love of family and friends. And less outward stuff like realising the importance and even sacredness of each moment. No point trying to live for the future. I could be straining for when I am 'better', whenever that may be, without taking each day for what it is, for the beautiful moments therein. For the laughter with my children over daft YouTube clips, for an evening with Adventure Bloke watching a favourite programme. For each moment with friends who visit. Life doesn't need to be so quick, so furious. Slowed down things can be appreciated.

Lord I'm leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms

I'm pondering on contentment at the moment, and what St Paul meant by 'the secret to contentment'. A lot of people seem to base it on circumstance, on health, on relationships. When one of those things is stripped out is it possible to be content? Is it possible that contentment could be to do with the moment, and finding God in the moment? More on this to come as I ponder.

So I'm Leaning. I was Leaning in the hospital, leaning further in than I had perhaps done ever before. The everlasting arms were there, as they always are and always will be. I think that in leaning, far from losing my own independence, I gain all that I am supposed to be, and the further I lean, the further the truth of this is revealed. Try some leaning yourself :)

With thanks to the amazing David Crowder Band.

 

Honesty

So, after my last blog post here which seemed to resonate with quite a few people (so many thanks, as ever, for all the messages, encouragements, etc etc...) I decided that I would practise what I preached, and be Honest.

So when someone, even a random someone I hardly knew, asked how I was, I wouldn't say 'fine' or 'oh yes, great, you know, well..' and other fluffy such downright lies. I'd say 'Not fine' 'not OK' or 'OK ish but had a pretty appalling week' etc etc. Or if I felt good, would say I felt good, and how good it was to feel good, and how I was loving the moment.

Responses to this have been interesting, surprising and generally encouraging. Even the conversation with the random slightly-known. I have found, that if I am honest, conversation can then lead to more than it usually does with the whole 'how are you? -fine, you? Oh, fine' <nervously fiddles with phone, smiles and sees friend in corner that one 'must' have a word with> .

Here's how one went.
'How are you?'
'I'm not too OK, actually.'
'Oh?'
'Yes, I am struggling this week with my lung disease'.
'Oh, I'm sorry. It must be really difficult. How do you keep going?'
'I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm not dreadful. But it is hard.'
'My mum feels like that. She feels she can't cope sometimes. It's hard and so frustrating for her.'

<and so on. Situation slightly changed, but this is one example of how my honesty resolution turned a mundane greeting into something more of a relationship developing conversation.>

I cannot claim this is always the case. There are those, I know, who will be thinking 'there she goes, whinging again' and would by far prefer me to say 'fine'. I know this by their slightly cold response and their quick spotting of said-friend-in-corner. But I reckon the honesty resolution pays off. And it's more honest.

I don't think I will always use it. I have to say there are those times when 'fine' suffices. The person trying to sell me double glazing doesn't need to know the ins and outs of my life and my struggle. <or maybe it would send them away more speedily?>

But I think I'll keep giving it a go. Those of you who know me in RL, feel free to challenge me on this, and tell me off. I know you will.

Dear Nice Person......

Dear nice friendly person:

No, I don't feel fine. Thankyou for saying I am looking really well. I know that you are only trying to be kind and upbuilding. Unfortunately it reminds me of the fact that even when I feel sick people think I'm doing well, and therefore I must be putting it on.I know this is not the case, but I think it anyway.
I am sorry, nice friendly person, that I am not talking much back to you. It is kind of you to ask me all about things I am up to in my life and work but I am using my last bit of energy to breathe at the moment. I am not being rude to you, I would love to talk more, and feel so awful that I must be giving the impression of someone totally disinterested and ungrateful. Inside I feel sad. But I cannot form the words, today they are too tiring. Please read the Spoon Theory - you may get a glimpse of how it is. For now though, I wish I could say this to you. Be honest. But I smile, say I'm fine, and attempt to eke out a few words in response to your kindness. I then go, leaving you feeling like I'm pretty unfriendly. I am sorry. If you got to know me, you'd realise I'm quite nice really.

Dear lovely friend:

I'm sorry I couldn't hold a coherent conversation with you on the phone. I love chatting with you but worry you must think I don't want to be bothered with you, can't wait to get off the phone. I'm sorry. My pain is making it difficult to talk and draining energy for chat, and the drugs addle me somewhat. I'd love to have a good long girlie chat, but today I cannot. It's not you, it's me, and all that.

Dear Daughter and Daughter's friends:

I'm delighted you are having fun together today. I would love to be up and about making cakes for you and giving you drinks and making you feel welcome and at home. I am so sorry I'm huddled on the sofa under a blanket looking pretty rank. I worry about your impressions of me. I shouldn't. I wish, DD, that I could be a better Mum for you.

Dear Son:

I'd love to play games with you all day. I wonder if you think I don't care very much about you sometimes, when you've asked me and I've yet again said no. And when you've asked me for a story and I've said not tonight. Tonight I just haven't got the breath, DS. I love you so much and wish I could do more for you and with you. I'll read that story soon.

Dear Random Stranger:

Please don't ask me what I do, or suggest what I could do. OK? Thanks. :)

Dear Adventure Bloke:

I am so grateful I never have to pretend with you, or apologise for being ill. Not that I'd get away with such antics.

Dear God:

Thanks that you know all these things and all these thoughts and all these feelings. And I never have to pretend with you. And I know you're always with me.

Why I love Brussians

I went to a meet up this weekend with a few people from the website 'Bronchiectasis R Us' which was set up a few years ago by the lovely Charlotte as a way for people suffering from this rare disease to connect and share information and support. We've been having an annual meet up for a few years now. These guys never cease to amaze me with their zest for life amidst such suffering.

You may be thinking these meet ups must be depressing, talking about illness, sharing symptoms etc. So far from it. It's a chance for us all to let go. I think that we know we can simply be ourselves with each other, because we share such a deep bond. We understand each other - we don't even need to say anything, we just need to look at each other and we know. We get it. It's like a breath of fresh air (no pun intended) Lovely family and friends are wonderful in their empathy and compassion but there is something about spending time with those going through the same as you, something liberating.

And you know, we don't sit moaning and grumbling (not too much anyway) ;) We have a giggle, mainly. There are people there who have more to contend with than 'only' bronchiectasis, they have other chronic illnesses, and yet there they are, smiling, encouraging, being there for others. I wanted to write this post as a tribute to the bravery of Brussians, and to their general attitude on life, which is positive, affirming, fun. Brussians don't go under, even with the most hideous of circumstances. Of course we all have times we scream and rant and moan and cry, but the support that comes from other members during that time is amazing, even when these others are yet again in hospital or struggling to breathe. Knowing these people has changed me, changed my outlook on this disease and you know what? I thank God for them.

So Charlotte - thankyou, thankyou and thankyou again, because you setting up this little site those years ago made many lives that little bit happier. And I am so glad I know you and the other Brussians. Sometimes I'm even grateful I am ill because of meeting you all, lovely, brave people. God bless. xxx

Love Wins, and all that

So, I've read the new Rob Bell book, 'Love Wins'. Whispers round the tinterweb about it verge from refreshing and thought provoking to cries of heresy and outrage. Hmmm. What did I think?

Well. The thing that always strikes me about Rob Bell, and no less than usual in this latest book, is his passion for Jesus. He totally bigs Him up. Again and again. Whatever else you say, you can't pretend that Rob doesn't love Jesus. I love how he talks about Jesus: 'Jesus is both near and intimate and personal, and big and wide and transcendent.' 'He holds the entire universe in his embrace. He is within and without time. He is the flesh-and-blood exposure of an eternal reality. He is the sacred power present in every dimension of creation.'

That Rocks.


This book is beautiful. It's poetic, thought provoking, sharp, cutting and warming. I don't agree with it all, but I have a sneaky suspicion that Rob would be most unhappy for everyone to say 'oh yes, you're right about everything, I'll change my mind and follow your thoughts from now on.' :) I reckon he wrote this for people to engage with the issues he writes about, to get deep into thought about it, to use our God given reason. So it is fine to not agree. But that doesn't make him wrong, or me right. Who knows?

The main issues he writes about in this book are 'heaven, hell, God, Jesus, salvation and repentance.' No small feat this one. And it's not a long wordy theological tome in any sense of the word. Read it in your coffee break/in the loo/in bed. It's engaging and pulls you in.

One of his main points is about Hell. The traditional view has (sometimes) been something like this: 'Unless you do not respond the right way, God will torture you forever, in Hell.' What do we do with something like that? How do we understand hell? Rob talks about it like this: If God is so great, surely God gets what God wants, and what God wants is to be in relationship with every single person, ever. Surely we can't say that God is not strong enough to do this? We narrow God by saying only a 'few are saved', he contends. Now, this is where the controversy comes in. Some may read his book and decide he is a Universalist, that all are saved, whatever they do and say, so what's the point of believing anything or sharing it with your friends? I don't know that he is saying that. He asks a lot of pointed questions, but doesn't necessarily come up with nice neat little answers. I like that he leaves a lot unsaid, because it makes me think. I don't know quite what I think really, but I'm with him on one thing. God is a God of power and justice, and 'not willing that any should perish', so we don't need to narrow God down. Who knows how it all works? Sometimes, all we need to know is that God is just and is Love. Hell - burning for eternity? Somehow, I think not. <ducks eggs and cries of 'burn the heretic!'> What I do know is that God created each and every one of us, we all bear God's image, and God longs to know us and be known.

Rob Bell makes a big thing of how God sent Christ so that could happen. Atonement theories aside <resists temptation to go all theological on you> Jesus coming means that Love Wins. Has won. What could be a more positive message?

There's more, much more. You'll have to read it for yourself. Read it with an open mind, be prepared to have your mind blown, be prepared to say 'Nah, I don't think so' and 'I'd never thought about it like that before.' Since when did we as followers of Christ have to fit into a nice little box of believing and doing things in a certain way? Some of it has left me with questions such as 'what does he think Christ died for' and wondering about where he stands with forgiveness, the whole leaving your old life behind and other such. Wondering is good though...

I'm going to end with his last paragraph, 'cos it's Cool.

'May you experience this vast, expansive, infinite, indestructible love that has been yours all along. May you discover that this love is as wide as the sky and as small as the cracks in your heart no one else knows about. And may you know, deep in your bones, that love wins.'

And who could argue with that. :)

Messy Church?

So, we've recently started Messy Church which is around once a month at the moment. But what is it? The Messy Church website gives a description of the concept behind it, but I imagine it varies from place to place. For us we want to bring families together for fun and food with some learning about God stuff flowing through it. Mainly though to build community in our area. One of the feelings that is expressed in our area is concern at lack of community, so how can the church contribute to building it up once again? Initiatives like Messy Church may only be a drop in the ocean - but small steps go a long way if there are enough. Last time we had the mayhem of tent making, with children and parents getting increasingly involved (and competitive about their tents!)